


Still Got Love

by AsagaoSylph



Series: A Home Changes With You [2]
Category: Voltron: Legendary Defender
Genre: Agender Character, Agender Pidge | Katie Holt, Asexual Pidge | Katie Holt, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Gender Confusion, Gender Identity, Gender Issues, Hurt/Comfort, Lance & Pidge | Katie Holt Friendship, M/M, Panic Attacks, Pidge | Katie Holt-centric, Platonic Cuddling, Sequel, Trans Keith (Voltron), Trans Lance (Voltron), gender crisis
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-10
Updated: 2020-01-10
Packaged: 2021-02-27 04:09:15
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,951
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22190842
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AsagaoSylph/pseuds/AsagaoSylph
Summary: Pidge didn’t care if it was immature for her to be smashing punches into their pillow with one hand while the other ate the space equivalent of a burger that Lance had brought her back from the base; they had already had a gender crisis for three vargas and weren’t interested in having to worry about coming outagaintoeveryone.
Relationships: Allura & Pidge | Katie Holt, Keith/Lance (Voltron), Lance & Pidge | Katie Holt
Series: A Home Changes With You [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1597330
Comments: 2
Kudos: 81





	Still Got Love

Pidge didn’t care if it was immature for her to be smashing punches into their pillow with one hand while the other ate the space equivalent of a burger that Lance had brought her back from the base; they had already had a gender crisis for three vargas and weren’t interested in having to worry about coming out _again_ to _everyone_.

Lance sat next to his furious friend, one eye on them and the other on her mirror across the room, trying to scrub the dirt and dust that had become fused to his skin in about three explosions. Turned out the Blade’s bases weren’t as hidden as they had thought. Lance rubbed at his hair, leaning back and prodding Pidge’s computer into starting up some of the paladin’s favorite music.

“I! Hate! This!” Snarled Pidge, dropping the space burger onto a nearby plate and promptly slamming her free fist into their pillow. “This is so stupid! Why do I keep having to come out? I don’t want to! I _know_ everyone’s going to start treating me differently! Suddenly, I’m not a daughter or a sister, I’m not even the girl they’ve known all along! Plus, Allura didn’t seem that thrilled when I brought up the idea of being a demigirl a couple of phoebs ago; I think I really weirded her out because, like, I was the only other girl on the Castle and I think that made her feel a lot better and I don’t want to break that bond and—”

“Ah bap bap bap! I’m going to stop you right there!” Interjected Lance, making no move to save Pidge’s poor, defenseless pillow as they continued to pound away at it. “This isn’t about Allura, Pidge. Your relationship with your gender identity and being out doesn’t depend on the feelings of others. This should be your story. It should be about you. You get to be agender in whatever way you quizaking please, and that can be closeted or partially closeted or whatever makes you feel most comfortable, not whatever makes Allura or me or anyone else feel most comfortable. You are agender. And that’s okay. Your identity is not something you need to justify or bend to make those around you feel better. The universe has made us deal with enough insanity, I think we all have a right to make it accept us for who we are.”

Pidge swallowed, arms falling limply to their sides, and stared down at her pummeled pillow like there might be gold there if they stared long enough.

“I’m just…when I think about telling everyone, I keep imagining them telling me that I’m…that I’m wrong. That I’m just confused or should wait or that I’m a phony. When I think like that, I start second-guessing myself and I know I shouldn’t because this is the best I’ve felt in my body in decaphoebs, but I just can’t help it.”

Pidge felt Lance’s hand pressed to her back, and they sank back into it as if she could escape their gender by doing that. “I just hate it,” she murmured. “It makes it so hard to breathe, and my stomach grinds itself into knots and I feel like I’m going to puke, and I can’t even imagine how bad it’ll be when I have to talk to the others, especially Allura. Stars, the tick Keith decides to have us do mind-melding exercises, I’m totally screwed,” groaned Pidge, flopping behind Lance and curling around him, burying their face into his jacket and clutching at his back. “I don’t want to do this.”

Lance hummed running his fingers through her hair and looping his arm so it wrapped in a hug around her head. He could feel the hammering of their heart, the shorter breaths, sticking in his friend’s throat and trying to choke her on terror.

“Hey, shhhhhhhh,” he soothed, setting down his towel and running a free hand over their back. “It’s going to be okay, Pidgeon. Look, I’ll find a way to keep Keith from doing mind-melding exercises until you feel comfortable on this. I mean, he did consider running off to join the Blade to handle his own stuff without us, I don’t think he’ll have much of a problem understanding if I tell him that you have some personal issues you need to resolve on your own before talking to the team about it. And, Pidge, it’s okay if you’re not ready to come out yet. I mean, obviously if you don’t feel safe enough to, then don’t come out. Being out is your decision, it’s based on when you feel emotionally ready and secure enough in your identity to tell others. This is all really new for you, and you’ve been in denial about it for a few decaphoebs from the sound of it—”

“Yeah, like five,” grumbled Pidge.

“—so it’s going to take a lot of time to adjust and stop second-guessing yourself. And I know part of doing that is diving into the community, and that’s part of why you want to come out, right? You want to surround yourself with the flag and the jokes and the agender subculture, but you don’t want to have to constantly be looking over your shoulder and jumping when you hear someone behind you and hiding things under a million search tabs or blankets.”

Pidge stiffened; they had been doing that for the last several vargas already and it had been torture. She had been watching a vine compilation on being non-binary when Keith waltzed in and nearly gave them a heart attack and she had paused the video and they were pretty sure he had seen the title and it said _non-binary and oh stars, was her cover already blown quiznak quiznak qui—_

Lance drew a circle on their cheek, calling Pidge back to him softly and soothing the panic from her breaths with a steady, hummed lullaby he had used for decaphoebs to help Hunk through anxiety attacks. He fumbled in his pocket, pulling out an aromatherapy inhaler ( _pretty fancy name for a nice smelling stick of wax_ , he had joked to distract Coran while Allura smuggled about fifty to the cash register of the space store). He had started carrying them on him after Shiro had a PTSD attack in the middle of their mission. Lance uncapped the stick, holding it a couple of inches away from Pidge’s nose.

“Come on, Pidgey,” he whispered, running a hand across their shoulders, “breathe in for me.”

The smaller paladin managed a shallow inhale, fists clenching around his jacket at the unexpected smell before loosening as the soft lavender registered. Lance continued his ministrations, humming softly as Pidge’s breaths began to even out again, feeling his friend’s muscles uncoil one by agonizing one. Dios mios, she was going to need a massage later; he’d resend them that self-massage video that worked last time when she’d decided to stay up for five nights in a row and had woken up to find their entire body completely stiff.  
Except this was probably going to be worse, since Lance doubted this would be solved in six quintants and a long lecture. He could practically feel the self-hatred curling off of her, probably because they’d been in denial for _five decaphoebs_ for some reason—

Oh. _Oh_. The Castle wasn’t Pidge’s first time being one of only two girls in a family. They had been their mother’s only other girl too. Lance had heard Pidge talk about her mother; the two were very close and talked about feminism a lot, relishing in _girls’ days out_ and having long, considerate debates on the pros and cons of using makeup. The fact that they were both women had been something they bonded over strongly. For Pidge to now realize that they were agender…they probably felt like they were betraying not only their past self, but also her bond with her mom going forwards. Heck, Pidge probably felt like they were betraying their mom herself, possibly their whole family. Lance knew how much pressure Pidge put on herself to be a good dau—a good child, one that their parents could be proud of, and a good sibling that her brother could boast about. Pidge worked hard and learned a lot because they wanted to, but they also could dump loads of pressure on herself to be the best there was so their family wouldn’t be disappointed in them.

“Nice psychoanalysis,” muttered Pidge, jarring Lance from his thoughts—which had apparently made their way from his brain to his mouth without him noticing. “But it’s not just that. I…I took a lot of pride in being a girl. It was really important to me that I’d come so far in a field that few women can because _sexism_.”

Right. She had risen above the prejudices society cast her way; they had never succumbed. Pidge had taken bullying and taunting and stupidity all her life because they were physically female, and had been in a constant war to keep up with her brother; no wonder she became fiercely proud and protective of her gender.

And now that had been torn away from them. The truth was that she had never been a girl, even if they had fought through the struggles of female-bodied people growing up. It probably felt like they had to rewrite all their memories, had to struggle with this new label and had to immediately defend herself from the accusations of being confused or not “agender enough” that naturally came with the new gender. Lance definitely remembered that feeling. He had still been trying to come to terms with actually being a boy despite having a female body when he began to think about coming out, and imagining all the horrible ways it could go wrong, all the people voicing the fears still in his stomach, had left him feeling sickened. Not just with fear, but at himself for being the way he was.

Lance didn’t want Pidge to get stuck in that same spot.

“Pidge,” he murmured. “Those memories of your time being female-identified are still _yours_ , you don’t have to rewrite anything because _you haven’t changed_. This was who you’ve always been, and it doesn’t undercut _any_ of your accomplishments or the things you’ve overcome to get to where you are now. You’re still Pidge. You’ve always been Pidge, and that’s all that matters. Don’t worry so much about rewriting memories with this information; make new ones instead. And yeah, you just came to terms with something incredibly complicated and convoluted that you’ve had run from for _decaphoebs_ to protect your bonds with those around you. Of course it’s going to take a little while for you to be totally, one hundred percent, _strutting-that-walkway_ comfortable with this. But that doesn’t make your identity any less valid.”

There was a reason Lance had been surprised when Pidge had said they were a girl (granted, he had still been off, as he had guessed Pidge was a trans boy at the time), and the way Pidge had looked a tick before they started attacking their pillow was so relaxed he had nearly cried. So comfortable, so happy, so _peaceful in their own skin_ , like she had finally found who they were always meant to be, the version of them she had been chasing her whole life.

Pidge had found who they were. Now Lance was here to be sure she had the space they needed to accept herself. “Pidge,” he cooed, tracing stars on her shoulders as their breathing relaxed and her muscles finished unclenching. “I promise things are going to get better. You know how the second quintant after starting a workout is the worst?”

“Uh-huh,” sniffled Pidge, still buried in his side as if their glasses weren’t digging into her nose. “Weird analogy though.”

“It’s like that with self-realization,” he said, ignoring her. “You figured this out officially yesterday according to that clock; just like your body freaks out and tries to adapt to something new, your mind is doing that now with this label. I mean, obviously your identity is yours and it’s just that you’re figuring this out, not that you’re changing, but—ugh, you know what I mean! You’ve worked really hard for this, Pidge, and I promise it’s not always going to be this colossal spiral of terror and doubt. Remember what happens on the third quintant?”

“It gets easier?”

“Right. It gets easier,” promised Lance, smoothing back their hair and pressing a light kiss to their forehead. “I love you, Pidge, and I’m always going to accept you for exactly who you are. You’re like my sibling, you always have been, and nothing is ever going to change that, okay? Your feelings are valid, and your identity is too. We’ll take things one step at a time. You’ve got two trans boys aboard the ship, I think you’ll find that support and help is easier to come by than you think. And if anyone judges you or tells you that you’re wrong, _I will personally throw them out of the airlock._ ”

“Lance!”

“I’ll be sure they’re in a space suit! They need comms on them to apologize to you, after all, or they’re not getting back in.”

Pidge giggled, nuzzling into Lance’s side and exhaling softly.

“Everything’s going to change,” she whispered. “I just…I don’t want to lose anything. I don’t want to lose my bonds with you all. I don’t want to lose my memories. I don’t want to lose my future with my family.”

Lance nodded, running a steady hand over her back and closing his eyes as she wrapped herself tighter around him. “I don’t want things to change because I know _I haven’t_ but it makes me feel like I _have_. And I don’t want to change!”

Tears burst forth from Pidge’s eyes, soaking into Lance’s shirt as her shoulders rocked with sobs, and Lance curled over her the way he felt Red do in his mind whenever he looked in the mirror and saw images of himself with longer hair and a different name tag pinned to his shoulder. He couldn’t do much for Pidge, but he could shield her from the world. He could ride out the storm with them, could hold her close, could promise them that he would never walk away and that them being herself didn’t change a thing.

Well, he guessed it changed one thing.

It made him so much happier to have gotten even a glimpse of them smiling genuinely. And, when they had calmed down a bit, he would ask on pronouns and names and the important things that changed but didn’t change who Pidge was, who she had always been.

“I’ve got you,” he whispered, “and don’t worry, Pidgeon. What you see changing, it’s not you. It’s the world changing to fit your truth, not you changing to fit your label. It’s the universe making things right after wronging you for so long. You’re still the person I’ve known all along; you’re the brave, kind, smart, stunning, loyal, savvy, and sharp-tongued person I’ve loved since day one. You’re my sibling, the resident tech genius, the Green Paladin, and our favorite tiny gremlin. You are pure chaos, and no gender will ever change that.”

Pidge snorted, and a grin split Lance’s face as he remembered one of Marco’s favorite jokes… “Heck, I think I could safely say you got a nat one on your gender check,” he teased.

“Oh my god!” Cried Pidge, laughter bubbling in their words, and she grabbed their pillow to smother Lance with. “You D&D nerd! Oh geez, why? Why?!”

“Because you like it!”

“Shut upppppp!”

But Pidge was laughing, the tears in the edges of her eyes sparkling with joy instead of terror, and Lance would gladly make all the puns the universe had to offer if it meant Pidge always looked this comfortable. They had found the right label. Pidge was agender. An agender asexual panromantic.

Huh. Lance would have to sew a new flag for them when she was ready for it.

Because no one would ever be able to convince him that Pidge deserved anything less than the world. And he would be quiznaked if he didn’t intend to try his best to give that to them.

Pidge snorted, decking him in the face with her pillow again before sprawling atop him and burying their head in his shoulder. She exhaled, long and slow, as if trying to drain the remaining tension from their body manually.

“Can we just…?” They murmured, snuggling a little further into him, and Lance shifted just enough to pull a blanket over the two of them.

“‘Course, Pidgey,” he promised, wrapping his arm over her shoulders and tapping the panel beside the bed to turn off the lights. “I’m here for you, remember? No matter what.”

“Yeah, with all the puns in the universe,” snorted Pidge, grinning as Lance laughed beside them.

“Still got it, Pidge?” He asked, sending her a teasing smile that lit up the room despite the darkness, calming the twisting of her stomach.

It was just like that mission, the one where they made too many puns, where they teased each other endlessly afterwards. Maybe…maybe some things never changed. Some feelings were too strong for anything to alter. Pidge sighed, nestling into Lance and letting sleep begin its slow fold over their eyes. Love was definitely one of those. And just as Lance would love Pidge unconditionally and endlessly, Pidge would love Lance always and forever. They were family.

“Still got it, Lance.”

**Author's Note:**

> I own nothing!
> 
> I promise it gets lighter, the first few days of any discover are rough, and Pidge's story reflects this.
> 
> My tumblr is at https://asagaosylph.tumblr.com/ :D


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